6:53 p.m. on 2003-02-07

a decent sized rant

One time, I remember I was in 3rd grade and we were doing silent class work time and I got frustrated and went up to the teacher and told her it was too loud and I could not focus. All that loud noise was from students scratching pencils to paper, flipping pages, and breathing. The teacher explained that it was quiet and to go back to my seat and read. I swear, every tiny little noise was amplified and I could not concentrate. I remember being so frustrated I was almost in tears. That�s how I feel every time I try to read if there is a tv or radio on or people talking. It just does NOT work with me. Stupid noise when I�m trying to concentrate.

I went on a rant in my webclass check-in. I�ve done 2 quizzes and that have not been received. I called tech support and waiting for them hopefully to help me but as it stands, I currently have an F in the class. The teacher aide suggested it might be my browser..but if the tech people can�t salvage my quizzes, I will fuss and fight. I suggested in my bi-weekly check-in that there should be a confirmation email sent to the student when the grader gets the quiz. And I asked the tech support, and they said browsers should not matter. Stupid technology.

Ok. here it is. To start off, when I went to get the volunteer position at the mission, the lady asked me if I was over 18. I told her I was 23. She asked me again if I was 18 after she looked at me for about 20 seconds and I said, yes, I�m sure I�m 23. She said, well you just don�t look 18, you look very young. I was reminded of that when my mother was explaining something that sounded like problems over the phone to my sister but when I asked my mom what she was talking about she said, �it�s nothing. Nevermind.� I hurt because I want to know what�s troubling my mother.

But beyond my obvious young looks, I want to know what it is I do to present myself so immature and innocent. Whining in my diary doesn�t count because it�s my diary and like my support crutch to let me release tensions. If I whine in real life, that�s something else.. and it would depend what I whine about. But is it something like I don�t have a job or a set blueprint drawn in ink of my life for the next 25 years? I hate to say I�m working on it, but that is, in fact, what I am doing. Is it that I don�t keep up with current affairs, tv shows, etc? I�m working on that also but it�s so hard though because 1) media does nothing but repeat, 2) focuses on the most horrible things and sensationalizes them, 3) by big networks, is usually so bias. So I�m searching for something goes above and beyond those standards.

I bet it�s various habits I have. Like I still watch cartoons some times. I watched Rocky and Bullwinkle this morning. But I watched moose and squirrel and tried to observe ways that 1967 ideals were coming though. I mean, I kept thinking that Boris and Natasha were Russian spies and the cold war was still a part of life, that every time Boris was foiled, I�d imagine viewers would laugh and cheer at the �stupid commies.� I was also listening for the puns and jokes. There are recent studies that say kids under 10 don�t pick up puns easily.. they take it to be truth because they just do not pick up how a �lie� or exaggeration could be a joke, not serious.

Or maybe sometimes I�m disorganized, cluttered. But who isn�t? My temper is bad some times, I have a very quick temper. I scream when I don�t have to for instance. But that is a personality thing, I get frustrated too easily but not often..depending. I still wear headphones and eat dinner with my parents. I like headphones, it�s like I�m in my own little world. And when I tell my mother not to worry about my dinner, she does not listen. She says things like, �no, no. I�ll do it. I don�t want you slopping up my kitchen.� Even though I clean up after myself in the kitchen and elsewhere. It could be my clothing. I wear a lot of jeans and shorts. I don�t dress up often and I don�t wear makeup.

I wish I knew how other people see me and not just get my family�s bias of knowing me. Because I sometimes feel belittled by them, like they can not depend on me to listen or do anything. I need to prove myself more.

Xxox

PS any hints or views would be welcome.

around to the front - what's next? huh? where to?

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